Sex
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Somehow I was convinced that the internet, or rather its users, had matured over the years. That the times of search keywords related to reproductive activity consistently outranking all other keywords, were far behind us. I could not have been more wrong. You are currently reading the most visited page on this website.

I opted for a low budget hosting contract when I started this website, assuming only a small fraction of (crazy) people would be interested in vol bivouac. Unfortunately, the sheer number of sex searching souls caused a unprecedented server load, forcing me to revoke this page.

After I got over my initial disappointment in humanity, I decided to stick with my original intend to serve you all aspects related to vol bivouac, or none at all. I felt morally obliged not to give in. I simply can not let down visitors which are genuinely interested in all issues related to vol bivouac, including sex. Therefore, I upgraded my hosting contract and put this page back on-line. It is a bit of a bummer when the costs go skywards instead of my glider, just because there are so many visitors that are interested in only one of the many aspects of vol bivouac. I would have preferred to spend that money on new gear. But principles come at a price, as any vol bivouac pilot is more than aware of.

So, what about sex then? Well, simply forget about it! Unless you brought it along or are very, very lucky to find such a rare and small thing in those huge Alps, you will not have it. You will usually smell like a dirty rat from all that hiking and look like one too. Comparisons to skunks, pigs, stray dogs, toads, and similar attractive animals have also been made. No matter which of those lovely creatures you are compared to, the effect is the same. You will have a comfortable privacy sphere around you. However, this also tends to repel the opposite party you are looking for.

Even if you do not mind that the opposite party smells and looks like a rat too, this will not necessarily evoke a mutual feeling among the rats involved in the game. Neither will it magically change your neglected, wild, and (of course) dirty appearance into an attractive one. Unless the the opposite party adores rats, skunks, et cetera.

And remember, even if you want sex, you will probably lack the necessary energy. As strange as this may sound to people in the ordinary world, you may even forget about it completely out there. After a few days of vol bivouac, your thoughts are much more likely to be filled with (day)dreams about a steamy stew, a super-sized steak, a tantalizing tartiflette with the cheese still bubbling, a salade savoyarde, or even that awful junk at McMerde that you have always refused to eat so far, a cold beer (or two, three, four), clear cold water that you have been searching for in scorching heat for the last five hours, a day without rain, a day without blisters, sunny weather, blue skies with pretty looking puffy clouds, towering cumuli, a hot shower or bath, a comfortable bed, breakfast included, a freshly folded reserve, ultra lightweight gear that weighs less than five kilogram in all, a new line to replace the one you broke during take-off yesterday, or anything else ordinary rather than intercourse.

For those who like to watch, there is lots of sex to observe in nature though. Insects are the most active and have been observed having sex throughout spring and summer, on and in places such as my wing, my car, my sandwiches, my soup, as well as my mouth (fellatio flies are a common sight/taste at the end of summer). You might need a magnifying glass if you are interested in the dirty details though. If you fancy larger animals such as birds, be there early spring. The mating-season for mammals varies. Listing them here for all alpine animals would rapidly consume bandwidth needed by the more relevant content on this website. I am not going to make the same mistake twice, so you will have to do some research yourself in order to determine the most active periods for the mammals that have your interest. The same advice goes for those who are interested in fish(y activities).

Now, please allow me to spend my time on issues that really matter. Stop sending me audacious propositions and silly questions! This issue has already consumed too much energy. Every dedicated vol bivouac pilot knows that vol bivouac is much better than sex. If properly performed, it can keep you high for hours. It is unbeatable in delight and duration. And most of all, it is less dangerous than sex these days. Currently, sex without a condom might kill you, while flying without a condom is only likely to degrade your performance a bit.

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2009-12-15